Pretty much everyone is great sometimes and not so great sometimes.  It’s very human.  But early on  in your development, in those area of your psyche that you seldom explore, you decided some traits are good and some are not for you.  The truth is that you have them all, more or less. 

The more highly charged the emotions around the trait, the more likely you are to deny it  is part of who you are.  That process of disowning some parts of yourself has long-term consequences.   

When you disown some part of yourself, it ends up running your life. 

It will be the issue that causes you the most problems.  It will be the issue/personality trait that you will often meet in your life.  It will be what most irritates and frustrates you in others.   

Psychologists and spiritual leaders¾now and historically¾tell us that the people out there mirror for us what we most need to pay attention to.  Whatever faults you are finding in your spouse, children, staff, coworkers, customers and friends, chances are it is what you most fear ‘owning’ in yourself.   

It works in all parts of life, too, often even  in professional areas.  Have you ever noticed that some people even go into certain professions because the are insecure about their capability in that arena?  Some psychologists may be less than certain they’re psychologically sound.  Some jocks flex their muscles to compensate for their fears they aren't manly enough.  Some ROTC people go through the military stuff because they fear they're afraid of combat.  English mavens may be worried about being literate enough, some business professionals may have fears about their own economic capability.  Some social science people may fear they're not humane enough.   

But the place it is most critical to pay attention, is in your interpersonal relationships.  If you are finding that things irritate you about the people around you¾whether that’s your customers, your staff or your family, realize that it comes out of your own stuff you are unwilling to own up to.  No exceptions.  You fit here.  I fit here.  The world is a mirror of your internal landscape. 

I know, I hear some of you say, “Not me!  His lack of organization has nothing to do with me!”  Sorry.  It does.  If you owned the part of yourself that is so afraid of not having everything organized, disorganization wouldn’t bother you in someone else.  You could say, “Well, he’s not very organized, big deal.” 

If you have customers driving you crazy because they’re always late for meetings or appointments, they are giving you a cue to examine why you are so afraid of being late.  If you have a staff person who makes mistakes that send you thru the roof, it’s a good bet you ought to be looking at your own  fear of not being perfect.  If your child is doing something that sends you up the wall, it is surely about your disowning that part of yourself.  Everyone is showing you your stuff. 

It’s the way the world works.  It’s the way our psychology works.  Or as Dr. John Demartini says, “What we want to change in others is what we haven’t loved in ourselves.” 

Now, the good news is this.  The reverse is also true.  The things you admire in others are also things in yourself that you have not owned!  Admire someone’s serenity or patience, or sense of humor?  That also is part of who you are.  Take a look.  When we can accept and appreciate all the parts of ourselves, the frustrations and irritations are gone.  Life, business, family and social situations all go better.  You will be a better human being! 

Even the New Testament  talks about this¾not only in Matthew, but also from Luke¾ the following admonition: 

And why behold the mote that is in your brother's eye, but perceive not the beam that is in your own eye?  

Either how can you say to your brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in your eye, when you yourself  behold not the beam that is in your own eye?  

You hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of your own eye, and then shall you see clearly to pull out the mote that is in your brother's eye.” 

Next time a customer irritates you, or you find you’re aggravated by a family member, look inside first at the characteristic you are not loving in yourself.